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12/01/2004: "With Love comes Hate"

I have never used the Music and Mood varibles, but they just seem to fit today, so I am trying them. Do you ever have just 'one of those days?' I am sure everyone has at one point...and I guess today is mine. It is just one of those bad days when I crawl in my room and start to cry. I dont cry often, but when I do Im a mess and everyone feels guilty. Mother, father, brother, boyfriend...hard to explain that I just need to cry.

Today started out normal enough. Got up, talked to Logan, went to school. I sat in the big comfy chair in the library. No one ever sits there before school or during lunch except moi. There is a small group of people that are there at lunch and the morning, and everyone just has their place to sit, and I always get the big chair. I like it. Today there were the normal people in the library. I opened my backsack and looked for a book to read..and only found 'Readings on Gulliver's Travels' which isnt reading material...its research. I went to the front of the library and asked if I had any other books out, and I didnt surprisingly. The librarian made a comment, "Oh! That isnt reading material...you must get a good one."

If you havent realized, this is going to be a long blog entry.

I smiled back at her, and I went into the 4 foot tall stacks that my school calls the fiction section. I looked around, and I didnt see anything that jumped out at me. But then I looked on the disposal cart on rejected books people didnt like and wanted the librarians to shelf and I picked up First French Kiss. It looked pretty good, so I got it.

I started reading the book, and read the first chapter, the one about the actual french kiss. Was very funny (if you didnt click, its a grade 6 boy french kissing a girl the first time, and it was only because he couldnt breath that he accidently stuck his tongue in his mouth). So yes, was very funny. Maybe I just have an odd sense of humor, but it was ok. The bell for class rang and I went to english.

English was my normal class. We read the introduction into Frankenstein. It is pretty good. It opened up a debate (well, hard discussion) on topics in which technology has come ahead of its time. We came up with a list of eleven things, my contributions included: Stem Cell research, RU-486, Birth Control in the era of Margaret Sanger, and Nuclear Weapons. It was an intresting discussion, but it always turns odd in that class when we get on 'discussion' topics. Everyone has their place. We have the guy who asks the dumb questions not relating to the topics (though today, he surprised me by asking if women lost a mucus plug before having a baby, too bad he thought it was the equivalent of a cork...). We have the people who just want to go against anything I say. We have the teacher who puts it into a republican/democrat spectrum, and we have the people out in left field. It is just intresting.

So after that discussion, went to Chemistry. Chemistry is getting harder. But its getting harder because its getting to the end of the semester which is the end of the class and I dont want to work anymore. We had a quiz. It was hard. I got a 77.5 out of pure luck. Im debating whether to get my mom to sign it to get 5 points. But its a bad grade...anyway. Did that quiz, got bad grade, found out it was my chemistry teachers 50th birthday. He looks a bit older, but he is very strong for 50. I got the bonus question on the quiz right, earning me a further 5 points: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? And I can finally say to my mother that Monty Python benifits my education.

Then lunch. I dont eat lunch at school because I come home at 1:30 because I dont take 4 classes, only 3. So I went into the library to read. I started to read my book, its about this kids journey though childhood and teenage life and being 'normal'. I detest normal. Normal is relative. It is what you make it. But it got my mind wandering, not my choice, it just did. I was sitting in my big chair, scanning my book to look like I was doing something intelligent, and a mental picture hits me.

I'm sad. I'm also alone. I can't go home, and I can't call Logan. It was a situation I had created for the best. It wasnt working out that way. I was so alone. I ran to my car in the parking lot. It was night. I started crying hysterically in the car. I was in a mess, and I had no one to help me out. What would I do? I looked at the book that I was scanning, and noticed a few wet spots on it. I had been crying without realizing it. I looked up and no one saw me, thank goodness. Was just a bad thought, but it stayed with me.

When the bell rang for my third class, I finished the story in the book about the fight between two boys. I went to my class, Journalism. I detest that class. No, I hate that class. I can say it truthfully, I hate it. I would rather sit in AP Calculas (keep in mind, I got a D in algebra I), than Journalism. We edited the paper all day, we are supposely going to press tomorrow. I took a set of pictures last second, without the required paperwork, and out of the goodness of my heart. And what did I get for it? My pictures were 'crap', and 'they will replace these bad pictures.' It was of a basketball game people, yes, some are going to be blurry with a digital camera. Not my fault, if you want better, get your OWN DAMN PICTURES last minute and quit saying 'Oh Liza, please please can you go to the game and get pictures?!' My name isnt Liza btw. I am sick of that class.

Time to go home. I have never thanked God so much to be out of a class. I didnt know what 'saved by the bell' meant until that class. I do now. I walked outside and waited for my mother. She is usually there before I am, but today she was going shopping with our German neighbour. She said either she would be there, or the German neighbours husband would be there. I sat there for 10 minutes. I called her cell, no answer. Called the house, no answer. Called German ladys house, no answer. I sat outside for 20 more minutes. My English teacher came outside, worried that I hadnt gotten a ride. About 2:15, my mother and the neighbour showed up.

I was mad. Well, at first I was worried. Then I was mad.Then I was sad. I was alone. They forgot me...very childish I know. I hate it when people say something and dont do it. I hate it. I was mad when they picked me up. I had a deadly glare on my face, I'm well aware. However, I got into the car. And on the way home my mother exclaimed 'Dont worry about her, shes nearly 18! If she cant stay at school for 45 minutes thats her problem!' to my German neighbour who was mad at her husband who didnt come and get me.

We got home, and I was then told I was 'acting like a spoiled brat.' Fine. Maybe I am a spoiled brat, but I am a spoiled brat with feelings. You see me keep my word, you keep yours mother, and dont insult me in front of the neighbour, it just leaves more room for her to critize me. I helped my mother package some packages for my father to go to him, and then I slipped into my room. I started crying again. It wasnt sobs, but it was just tears, I was upset. Few minutes later mother walks in and tells me why he didnt show up. The neighbours husband had gone to the middle school next door. He had forgotten I was in high school. Hes in his late 70s and a war vetern, I cant blame him for forgetting...but then she blames me for being mad. How was *I* supposed to know thats why he wasnt there and not that she was just busy and didnt call him? or that he didnt fall asleep on couch? I couldnt. She left to pick up my brother and go to post office, and I went back into my room.

Then came the sobs. I couldnt do it in the library, but I could here. And I did. It was just one of those times that I needed to cry. It was just a bad day. May not seem bad the way I write it, but it was bad for me. It just built on other bad days, and decided to make me cry today. I cried myself to sleep, and slept until 5:30. I wanted to explain every detail of this day, so I got down at my computer and started this. So if you ask about my day, here it is.

I love you Logan, but dont ask any details, Ive had a bad day.