Every day, without fail, I am in the school library. I read books and magazines and almost anything laying around. On friday, Newsweek had just released their newest issue, and it happened to be on Autism. Did you know that autism affects 1 in 167 children born? It isnt usually diagnosed until the age of 2 or 3, and its the fastest growing devolopmental disorder, and it affects more children then childhood cancers, down syndrom, and muscular dystrophy combined. Yet it recieves the most limited funding, and most people are in the dark about it. I found the statistics very surprising.

My best friend growing up was named Amanda. I met her when I was in the second grade. She had a 3 year old brother, and another on the way. But see, her brother was different. He didnt talk, he didnt walk, all he did was point, and watch disney movies. Her family later learned that Shawn had autism. So, along with my best friends family, I began to learn about autism and how to help Shawn. When he was 7 or 8, he was in a special school. I visited him at the school and went to pick him up some days. I saw there were other people like him...it was a very strange experience.

Bernie, Shawns mother, does everything she can to help her son. He has had a cap worker (someone who specializes in people with disabilities, and helps them function in the real world) since they found out he had autism. Most people with it cannot talk. Shawn began to learn to speak very slowly. He cannot make full sentences like a normal 13 year old. But he can go one for hours about disney characters. When he couldnt talk, he would use signs and note cards with pictures on it to demostrate what he wanted. I found that facinating.

People with autism are widely known for repitition and rocking back and forth. Some memorize numbers, video games, or almost anything. Shawn loves Disney movies. He knows the so much about every disney movie. And his family owns every single one. Stuffed animals? He has a living room full, literaly. Pictures of animals? That is the only thing I can draw well besides flowers, because I would have to draw lions, snakes, and giraffs because Amanda was too tired to draw for him.

There is another side to the Autism though. Fustration. Fustration for the family, and fustration for the person with autism. Imagine not being able to tell your family what you want without speaking. Imagine watching your son struggle to show emotions. The only way sometimes, for them to show emotions is to do what a 2 year old would do. Kick and scream. I didnt understand it at first when Shawn would hit me, what he wanted. He wanted me to try and understand. Now, he is learning to go about it another way, but he still occasionally kicks and screams. He now touches your sholder or something like that.

However, here is something funny...one of shawns new cap workers, who was new to the field of working with disabled students, had Shawn suspended from school...for sexual harassment! Shawn was put in a 'normal' school when he was 10 or so. But he has a cap worker with him. He touched her breast, trying to get her attention...it certainly got it. Anyone who has ever worked with someone autism, knows that they do not mean anything sexual. Its a joke among Amanda's family now.

Over the years I have known Shawn, he has taught me alot. He remembers my name every time I visit. That is a challenge, and something to be appluded. He appreciates the little things, and he is easily pleased. Give him jungle book, and he will be entertained all day if you let him. (Which of course, we cant let him do that all day). He is just someone I appreciate and love dearly. I hope he understands that, and if not, he at least knows he doesnt have to kick me to listen to him.

I am so lucky...I got a 5 day weekend this week. I had friday off, and I have monday and tuesday off. Yay for me! So what have I done with my precious time? Well, first off, I would like to announce the (re)Opening of Fellow Eskimo Photography. I love the new design, and thanks to Pixel Post it was nice and easy. No more movable type, no more 'rebuilding', and goodness, no php lessons. I love it.

I have also solved my hosting problems. Jonah so graciously offered me webhosting for...free! And it has everything I need (since I dont need Image::Magick anymore), so I am all set for the hosting. I will hopefully be moving my sites over to his server soon.

In other news, the play is this upcoming weekend. I have my lines, I have my outfit, now...all I need is some shoes. I really dont want to have to wear black high heels, and I dont own any black flats, so I need to ask my mother to go shopping for shoes with me. It will be the first typically female thing Ive done in a while. (I havent been to the mall in ages...what 17 year old girl hangs out at electronic stores?!).

*sighs* Its just a big relief to have the hosting and the photolog done. Oh! And, the homepage/splash page is redesigned too. It has a little more colour to it now. I like the photoblog collage, and Ive gotten good comments on it.

Though, speaking of comments. Why do I even enable comments on this site? No one ever leaves them. I always get emails or chat with people. So I still get feedback, but no one uses the comments! It looks like no one really likes me. *sniff* But I know thats only *partially* true. I hope.

One more footnote. Last few weeks, I have been *really* down in the dumps. I mean, badly. But finally, the world seems to be turning itself upright again. York finally got my transcripts in order, so I just wait for a decision. USC never mailed me anything reguarding admission into the Honors School, so I can rule them out pretty much. School is going well, just have to make sure I know my lines for the play. Feels like everything is working out again. I have the love of my life (the past 17 years anyway) finally coming to see me in May, 100% sure. He has the ticket. Im graduating high school. I have the chance to finally go somewhere, and be myself. Yes, turning out nicely.

Hey, I can dream, cant I?

Ok, I have had it up to *here* with webhosting. *holds hand above her 5'2 height* First, this host. No offense JD, but I really need Image::Magick, and other things. So I look for other hosting. Well, a good friend of mind offered hosting. I was going to take it, but then I found a good hosting company. So I turned down my friends offer. Then I find out this good hosting company doesnt like MT and Greymatter! Well then, im screwed!

Oh, but you CAN run it, you just run to risk of getting your account suspended if MT or GM fudges up one of the scripts which is known to happen. So the risk of getting suspended? Not a chance. Now I'm left with no host. People, ANYONE OUT THERE. This is what I need.

1) Full control over whatever account I have. I want to be able to chmod whatever I look, have global access on my databases, the whole thing. I dont need root the actual server, but I want to be able to upload my stuff without getting premission errors.

2) I want to be able to run MT or whatever legal web programs I want. I do not want to be forced to switch, and I do not want to compromise.

3) I want to have a decent library of scripts and moduals on the server. And if there isnt one on the server that I need, I can ask for it, and since its a free mod, they add it on the server for me.

4) Tech support!! I need some reliable tech support.

5) I need to be able to host 2-3 domains on one account. I need at least 2 MySQL databases, and the option to make public and private directories. And I need to be able to run CGI scripts. Ideal: At least 500MB space, 5GB transfer, ability to create users...someone help.

Is that so much to ask? Alot of modern servers have 4 of these things, but I CANT FIND ONE WITH ALL 5! Im willing to *pay* people. Seriously, want money? Ill pay on a yearly basis if its a good deal. *sighs* Any ideas? So far these have been looked up:

1&1 Internet Hosting They dont support Image::magick, except for business plan users, too expensive for that plan.
Surpass Hosting They dont allow MT, unless I modify it, and I still have the potential to be shut down for it.
Total Choice Hosting They do not allow add on domains for any reason.
Moxie Design Hosting Perfect, but plans are WAY to small for the price they charge.
Dream Host I thought it was so good...then I saw the prices. Way more than a pay now. Its on a backburner for if I ever get rich.

Back to square one?

I was watching this this afternoon. Very good speech, but I have a few things to point out.

1) Its really annoying to hear french and english.
2) About 5 minutes in, the PM is saying something about same sex marriages and all of a sudden 'Ni!' like in Monty Python.
3) After about 2 minutes in french only, he speaks up in english "Simply put, seperate but equal is not equal." Are those real translations? There seems to be alot more french.

Just a note, that is a video of the Prime Minister of Canada supporting the Civil Marriage Act, which supports gay marriage. Full text of video aviable here: Address of Prime Minister Paul Martin on Bill c-38.

I think this was a pretty good quote:

"To those who value the Charter yet oppose the protection of rights for same-sex couples, I ask you: If a prime minister and a national government are willing to take away the rights of one group, what is to say they will stop at that? If the Charter is not there today to protect the rights of one minority, then how can we as a nation of minorities ever hope, ever believe, ever trust that it will be there to protect us tomorrow?"

I have to agree with what he said. It applies to americans too. I think we need to look to the north on this issue. Very good speech.

I have been trying to create a more efficent photolog for a while now...and have yet to be successful. With wordpress...I simplying couldnt code anything. It was all php...and totally different to anything I had ever used before.

MovableType...well, so far...good. Then I get to upload my first photo and...wait, 500 Internal Server Error?! No Image::Magick?! Help!

Needless to say, that has failed for now too. And I have to go back to school tomorrow. Wonderful.

Its 5:07 am...do you know where your children are?

I know where I am. I should be sleeping peacefully, getting ready for a new day. I am up since 4 am, wanting to throw up. Having the worse nausea in the world, but not being able to throw up.

This leads me to three deductions:

1) it was the streriod shot I had yesterday for infection
2) its my monthly, and its not on time
3) its my seizure medicine...

Im guessing either 1 or 2, and leaning for 1. I have had the shot once before, and it made me sick to my stomach (although, I wasnt nauseaous, I ran to the bathroom every 10 min...). Urgh, I feel like doggie doodoo.

For the past...very long time...I have been using the Mozilla Suite as my primary web brower. However on numerous occasions, especally when I lose power. I lose all of my bookmarks. I have no idea why exactly, but I do. So, I installed Firefox this time around. Its much smaller in look and size compared to the Mozilla browser. Maybe I wont lose all of my bookmarks again? No idea.

As for the power outage, it took my internet for a day. And our phones since they run on broadband. And speaking of those phones, they work very well at a very good rate, except for the internet outage. I can call canada all I want, and my family can call anywhere in the US all they want, and its 26 dollars a month. Compared to the 120 we were spending, thats very good...

Resume your usual web surfing.

After yesterdays depressing post, I was quite depressed. Right? Well, I decided to tackle WP plugins/hacks.I finally got it working for the photo site, and I will be posting the right link when I get the new layout all set up for the photolog. I had to uninstall wordpress no less than 5 times to get this plugin working. Grrrrr...

In other news...I have about 5 scholarship essays to do before Feb. 15th. And homework. I dont wanna do it...cant I go to the movies? Nope...*goes to work*

I should make a new tagline.."I would rather be designing".

Why can someone...who has never met me, doesnt know me besides my name, and my ID number...have the power to change my life completly? Its not fair...

Why am I so...different. I like it, but society doesnt like it. I can go to college...but at what cost? Cost is not just money, its also in happiness.

Do I want to go to a college where I do not fit in? Do I want to go to a college that I will live in a miserable dorm?

I've taken the risk...Ive applied to another. But what happens if I dont get the money I need? No college...not there. No Logan...

I would be left with going to a college that doesnt agree with me, and I dont agree with it. Or I could go to the other college, have my mother drive me to college for the next 4 years (no busses people, and I cant drive because of a God given curse).

What a decision to make.

Here is my movie list for January. I saw all of these movies this month. *proud of herself* Heres how I rate: If I didnt find anything wrong with it, and I really enjoyed it...its 5/5. If I found stuff I didnt like or it just wasnt my kind of thing...it wont get 5/5.

1.1.05 The Nightmare Before Christmas:4.5/5
I really liked it! Animation was good...and the music was the best part though. It was a bit slow at times, and I had to get the catch of it at first. But it was pretty good, I enjoyed it.

1.1.05 The Aviator:4/5
Leonardo and Blanchett were very good. The movie was horrendously long. And there is a scene involving alot of flash bulbs and it gave me a serious dizzyness spell. It was slow at times, but it picked itself up. I liked the plot, it was a very intresting life.

1.3.05 This is Spinal Tap:1/5
The only good thing about this movie was the director, Rob Reiner, the same guy who directed the Princess Bride. The movie was boring..and downright stupid at times. But I guess that is the purpose of a mockumentary. But...I dont think this is my genre.

1.7.05 The Piano Lesson:1/5
I had to watch this one for drama. It was not good...I hoped and prayed for sleep during this hour and a half of a history lesson about a family with 5 generations...and 3 of the mothers had the same name. Go figure. I didnt like it needless to say.

1.12.05 Broadcast News:4/5
I actually liked this one. The only thing I didnt like was that it was slow at times. It had a nice romantic plot, and is good for a nice evening settling down movie. But not during the afternoon after a day at school.

1.13.05 Kinsey:2/5
I actually told my boyfriend not to go to this movie, and I went around and saw it. I read the screenit review for the sexuality and was appalled they put that stuff on film. But I went and saw it anyway (he did too) and...it had absolutly no point. It sent mixed messages (sex should be understood, let me study it vs. Im a crazy nutjob, Im not fit do the job). I didnt really like it...and the old lady was a bit much.

1.15.05 Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera:5/5
I loved it! The singing was good, in my opinion anyway. And I like the music of the musical...so the movie was just as good. Just for note, I have not seen it preformed. Emmy Rossums singing was especally good, as well as Gerard Butler. This movie deserves some oscars, quickly.

1.19.05 A Fish Called Wanda:4/5
This wasnt a haha movie too much, but it was funny at times. John Cleese and Kevin Kline took the cake in this one.

1.21.05 28 Days:2.5/5
Not funny, not romantic...but tolerable. It has some attempted romance which was 'sweet' but not romantic per say. Its about Sandra Bullock entering rehab after crashing her sisters wedding by being drunk...definitally not a comedy.

1.24.05 House of Flying Daggers:5/5
This was also a wonderful movie. I really liked the music and the art in it. The plot was good, with several unexpected twists...and I always love those. Acting was good, especally all of the fighting scenes.

1.27.05 The Old Settler:1/5
Yet another disaster by my high schools drama department. I do not know what my teacher sees in this movie. Its again, pointless. No good music, only thing getting a brownie point is the acting...and everything else bit the dust.

1.27.05 Vera Drake:3.5/5
To take a brake from the previous movie, I watched this one. I was actually kind of disappointed. Im still not sure why. The acting was good...but there was (I promise im not fibbing) like 30 minutes of garbled crying in the movie. The subject is very strong, and a good subject. Not exactly what I expected from the movie, but it was ok.

1.29.05 Finding Neverland:5/5
This movie turned out better than I thought it would. I had expected it to be very corny and just not a very good movie. Turned out quite different. Johnny Depp gave a suprising preformance, but Kate Winslet's was better. This is actually quite a sad movie...grab a towel or something if your prone to cry. (I am...)

1.30.05 Million Dollar Baby5/5
I have to say...I think this my movie pick for the month. This is the one that hit me the hardest and made me think the most. I knew what was coming (not exactly, but had an idea), but it still hit hard. It was really really good...better than the aviator...Clint Eastwood is great in it, Hilary Swank is very good...so is Morgan Freeman. Go see it. Now.


That makes what....14 movies. Nice.

Music, Photography, Filmography, Painting, Calligraphy, Singing...all of them are fine arts. So what does it take to be a Musician, Photographer, or a Painter? I can play Mary had a little lamb on my flute all I want and call myself a musician...but I'm not. I can take pictures all day, and not be a photographer. So...wheres the line?

You can only learn so many things about a fine art. There is only so much book work you can learn. You learn theories, about your tools of your trade, and the history. But what good is knowing about a size 4 painters brush made from authentic horse hair if you dont know how to use it? You will only end up producing a 1st graders paint project made from any other brush...or even fingers.

You can write music all day long. You can pour your blood and sweat into it, and be proud of it. What counts is how you and other people feel it. You feel its a masterpeice that should be put next to Bach and Beethoven, however your audience feels it is in the mainstream of modern classical, and detest it. What you put into it is a huge part, its what you feel and learn inside.

I can learn about every peice of photographic equipment. I can tell you all about the latest technologies...how they work, what they do, what their intentions are. I can take pictures with a camera, and yet not be a real photographer. I can have people pay me for my pictures, and still not be a photographer.

Its what you consider yourself to be.

To be a photographer, a musician, artist, or any other talented profession...it has to be you. Great photographers are born, not made by other people. Some people are born photographers at the age of 10, some are born photographers at the age of 35. You must learn every day of that lifetime. There are no set rules with your trade, only what rules you make for yourself. Im sure for every person there comes a time when they say 'Im finally a photographer...' or 'Im finally a singer'. No amount of equipment can make *you* that. Its raw talent and determination. You have to prove to yourself that this art IS you.

You live the life, you learn by experience, you show your work to the world, and then maybe one day if your mind says so and reguardless of popular opinion (though having support helps)...you can say your an artist. I have another few decades to learn. Now...a canon 10d would certainly help things out...but its not a nessessity.