Stille. Ich will nur Stille. Keine Sorge. Kein Gedanke. Keine Angst. Kein Wollen. Leben scheint manchmal, uns alle in eine Grube zu werfen. Es ist traurig.
Ich laufe zu meinem Zimmer. Ich fühle eine Rißrolle meine Anfeuerung hinunter. Warum? Mein Zimmer ist dunkel, wenn ich in, kein Licht laufe. Nacht. Nacht schweigsame Nacht. So ruhig, aber ein vorläufiger Frieden. Ich schalte das Licht ein. Ich kann im dunkeln nicht leben. Ich muß im Licht laufen.
Ich hebe mein Journal auf, und beginne zu schreiben. Ich schreibe auf Deutsch. Ich hoffe, dass es nicht das letzte zeit ist, das ich in dieser wunderbaren Sprache schreibe. Frage ich mich selbst eine Frage damit einfach, 'Warum'? Warum ist die Welt der Weg den es ist? Warum ist mein Leben wie es ist? Meine Lieblingsphrase kommt auf Deutsch, zu bedenken, "Ich weiß nicht".
Ich sitze meine Bücher hinunter. Zu viel Ruhe. Ich muß Musik finden. Ich suche Ein von meiner liebling CD. Es war nicht dort. Ich suche, und ich finde es, zu verstecken. Eine Hoffnung. Ich höre der einfachen Lyrik zu.
"Stop your crying, it will be alright. Just take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you. I will be here dont you cry. For one so small, you seem so strong."
Es ist wahr. Ich kann die hand nicht sehen, aber ich weiß daß es dort ist. Es deutet mich nach rechts weg. Ich kann nicht sehen, fühlt nur. Ich muß auf es vertrauen.
"When destiny calls, you must be strong."
Ich muss. Ich muß. Schicksal. Rufen sie es, was sie mögen.
"Youll be in my heart, always. Ill be there for you. Just look over your sholder. Ill be there, always."
Gott ist in meinem herzen immer. Logan auch. Wenn ich über meiner schulter anschaue, sehe ich mich selbst im spiegel. Nicht mehr traurig, habe ich hoffnung. Ein kleines Papier blumen mehr als die wenigen pfennige, die es gekostet hat zu machen. Die Welt ist nicht alle dunkelt. Es gibt leicht.
"There's a light on in the attic,
Though the house is dark and shuttered,
I can see a flickering flutter,
And I know what it's about.
There's a light on in the attic,
I can see it from the outside,
And I know you're on the inside...looking out."
Dies wird das letzten von meinem Deutsch nicht sein.
So I was asked to make a list of what I think should be reformed in the higher education system in america, so here that is. I know its nearly impossible, but still I can dream! And I am working on a research paper, I havent completly decided on a topic yet, but its either going to be something to do with teenage sex (sex ed? why to wait for marriage?), or divorce. Abortion and Stem Cell research are good topics, but I would probably argue more on moral issues, than statistical figures. It has to be an persuasive opinion paper, should be intresting.
So, what I want in america's higher education system?
1. Everyone should have the right and the means to go to whatever school is best suited for them. If someone is poor, but is smart and wants to go to harvard, give them the money. Now if someone is a C- student and wants to go to harvard and is lower class, dont. Base it on intelligence.
2. For the universities to actually look at a student. Applications, forms, written essays. I know with the volume of people who want to get into a college, its alot of work. Hire more people, create jobs, put more money in the education system. My future is determined by a few peices of paper, no interview, no personal essay (except the one on resistant germs, I didnt choose the topic), and the people will never meet me. They will look at a peice of paper, some figures about my test scores, possibly my high school grades, and 'activities' (as if there arnt a ton of people who join FCA and dont actually attend). They dont know who *I* am, yet they make these choices.
wait! im not done! ---->
The Eskimo on 10.11.04 @ 05:39 PM EST
Its funny how life just is so...there. You get up in the morning, you get your coffee, you go to school, you come home, you do your work, you sleep. So there.
Im filling out college applications. Ive been told I will get a full ride to a private college because of my ACT scores and grades. Wonderful, but I dont want to go there. Its an all girls school, it doesnt have the major I want, and to get the major, I would have to study colaterally at the school I really want to go to. They would make me go to church, something I strongly do not believe in forcing, yet they do. Its all about the 'family' and 'team work' if anyone reads this and knows me, I am not miss team work. Playing flag football to get to know other students isnt my idea of fun. The school is a last resort.
So I am filling out applications to the University I really want to go to. The basic university application is done online, peice of cake. But I get to the honors application, 12 pages. Not so easy. Hardest essay questions ever, so many things about out of school work, and other 'activities'. But thats not really what upsets me...its the fact that my future is dependent on these few peices of paper. If I dont get into the honors school, the regular school dorms are basically unlivable...and it would still cost me. I would go to the 'free' school, full ride...even if it is the school I do not want to go to.
Im not...'special', not unless you know me. On the outside, on these peices of paper, they see a girl who volunteered at a church and library, and who held a job for one month. Thats all. They see I got good ACT scores and good grades...but what about personality? Nonexistant. Its all numbers, figures. How am I supposed to tell them about myself in a essay about a quote from Proust? Or from an essay on high and low art? Its not possible. They will just see black and white print.
They wont see that I worked in a library for two years because I loved working with children and helping them read. They cant see that I work every wednesday at a church with 1st graders because they are the cutest things in the world, and they love me. They do not know I only had a job for a month because I had a seizure that put me in the hospital for a week, then moved to another state only two days after that. They wont know why I never participated in sports, except for one year. I cant explain that in a essay about antibiotic resistent bacteria. Its not possible.
I just am unhappy that determing my life comes down to some group of people 'analyzing' the past four years of my life, and seeing if I am good enough for them, and if I am good enough to invest in. Its a damn sad world.
*sighs*
